1 00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670 ♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪ 2 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340 ♪ Songs that made The hit parade ♪ 3 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011 ♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪ 4 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280 ♪ Those were the days ♪ 5 00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,284 ♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪ 6 00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,622 ♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪ 7 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,394 ♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪ 8 00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:32,363 ♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪ 9 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:36,534 ♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪ 10 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,872 ♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪ 11 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:46,678 ♪ Those were the days ♪ 12 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,486 [DOORBELL RINGS] 13 00:00:55,488 --> 00:00:58,990 Merry Christmas, whoever it is! 14 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,158 Oh, hiya, Frank. 15 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,760 Happy holiday, Gloria. Come on in. 16 00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:05,463 I just came over to bring Edith my famous Italian fruitcake. 17 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:07,065 I baked it special. 18 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,700 Ooh, that looks good. 19 00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:11,302 Hey, uh, how do you say "fruitcake" in Italian? 20 00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:13,138 "Fruit-a-cake-a!" 21 00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:15,774 No, actually it's called panettone. 22 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,142 Where's Edith? 23 00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:19,210 Oh, she's gone to the doctor. She'll be back soon. 24 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:20,645 She went for a semi-annual checkup. 25 00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:21,980 Oh, that's smart. 26 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:25,283 Yeah, it's been three years since her last one. 27 00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:26,985 Hey, that's beautiful. 28 00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:28,586 Can I help? I'm pretty good at this. 29 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,088 Oh, yeah. Jump right in. 30 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,424 You know something? Irene and I are like kids about Christmas. 31 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,026 We still hang up our stockings every year. 32 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,394 Really? 33 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:39,397 Yeah, but it's not fair. Irene gets twice as much as me. 34 00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:40,665 Oh, how come? 35 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,735 She hangs up her pantyhose. 36 00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,269 I love Christmas too, Frank, 37 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:47,138 even if it is full of male chauvinism. 38 00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,272 What are you talking about? 39 00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:50,474 Well, for openers, Santa Claus is a man, 40 00:01:50,476 --> 00:01:52,811 and Christmas is all men, even the songs. 41 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:53,812 Now, wait a minute. 42 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,413 "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen." 43 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,381 "Good King Wenceslas." 44 00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:59,617 "The Little Drummer Boy." But, Gloria! 45 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,619 And how about "Peace on earth, goodwill toward men"? 46 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,922 See? Christmas is nothing but men, men, men. 47 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,056 Except for one woman. 48 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,791 Who? The Virgin Mary. 49 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,626 Without her, there'd be no Christmas. 50 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,895 Oh. Yeah. 51 00:02:12,497 --> 00:02:14,365 [DOORBELL RINGING] 52 00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:15,366 Oh. 53 00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:18,103 Merry Christmas, whoever it is! 54 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:22,874 Hello there! 55 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,142 Michael! 56 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,310 Wrong! It's not Michael. It's Dr. Cronkite. 57 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:28,346 Hello there, buster. How are you doing, pal? 58 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:29,781 Take my coat there, nurse. 59 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,382 Are you my nurse? Uh, yeah. 60 00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:32,751 No, no. You couldn't be. 61 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,085 You don't look like my nurse. 62 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,087 Hold this a second here. We put these on here. 63 00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,822 There! Now you look like my nurse. 64 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,224 Hello there, nurse. Want to fool around? 65 00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:41,492 [LAUGHING] 66 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:42,593 Uh, hey, uh, doctor-- 67 00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:44,229 Yes. What is it? What about your patient? 68 00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:45,930 This? Oh, no, no, no. He couldn't be. 69 00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,331 He doesn't look like my patient. 70 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,700 One second there, buster. We put these on. 71 00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:52,237 There! Now you look like my patient. 72 00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:53,738 You're my doctor? 73 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:54,906 That's right! 74 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,074 I'm leaving. 75 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,209 Hello, Mr. Leaving. Nice to meet you. 76 00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:59,410 Stick out your tongue. 77 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:00,678 Ahh! 78 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,980 You know what's wrong with you? 79 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:02,981 What? Nothing. 80 00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,216 But your tongue's very sick. 81 00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:06,751 I demand a second opinion. 82 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,853 Good. Come back and see me again tomorrow. 83 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,856 Somebody's coming. Somebody's coming. 84 00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:17,495 Hi, Ma! 85 00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:19,530 [LAUGHING] 86 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,166 Who's this here? 87 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,168 Uh, doctor, this is my mother. 88 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,003 No, no, that couldn't be right. 89 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,237 She doesn't look like your mother. 90 00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:27,672 Hold on one second there. 91 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,340 Here. We put these on. 92 00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:31,575 Now you look like her mother. 93 00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:33,945 Hello there, mother. 94 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:37,348 Oh, my, you all look so funny. 95 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:38,983 [LAUGHING] 96 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:41,752 You don't look like no raving beauty yourself there. 97 00:03:41,754 --> 00:03:43,788 Where did you get these? 98 00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:45,523 There was a big sale at Mahoney's. 99 00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,192 You want to go to the Hottentot Club? 100 00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:48,893 [LAUGHING] 101 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,196 I haven't laughed so much for days. 102 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,596 Hey, mother, you want to fool around? 103 00:03:52,598 --> 00:03:54,365 My nurse won't mind. She's very understanding. 104 00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,167 Whoa, whoa! 105 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,969 [LAUGHING] 106 00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:02,573 Oh, my! I feel so much better. 107 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,008 Much better? Was something wrong? 108 00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:05,310 Oh, no, no. 109 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,912 I mean, I'm enjoying it. 110 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,681 Edith, I brought you my special panettone. 111 00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,851 Fruitcake à la Lorenzo. 112 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:16,487 Frank! Oh, thank you! 113 00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:18,223 Oh, hey, Ma, how'd your checkup go? 114 00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:20,691 Fine, just fine. 115 00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:24,262 This looks so good, I think I'll take it in the kitchen. 116 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:28,867 I got a wonderful idea. Archie will be here in a few minutes. 117 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,202 Let's all put these on again and surprise him. 118 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:32,070 Good idea. 119 00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:45,783 [DOORBELL RINGS] 120 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,785 Go hide up there. Go hide up there. 121 00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:04,869 What are you doing with that on? 122 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,071 The same thing you're doing with that on, buster. 123 00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:09,874 Oh, get away from me, you smart guy! 124 00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,510 You always got to spoil everybody's fun here. 125 00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:14,379 Hiya, Daddy! Hello, Archie! 126 00:05:16,481 --> 00:05:17,916 Now, you put them up to that. 127 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,150 Now, where's your mother? 128 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,351 GLORIA: In the kitchen. 129 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,053 All right, everybody, now, just shut up. 130 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,989 Let me try to get a little fun out of this thing, huh? 131 00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:27,892 Hey, Edith, come on out here. 132 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,727 I got something to show you. 133 00:05:29,729 --> 00:05:31,162 Be right out! 134 00:05:33,765 --> 00:05:35,934 Oh, ain't that nice? 135 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,102 Mike got one for you too. 136 00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:39,938 He didn't get me nothing. 137 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,339 I bought a whole bag of them. 138 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,408 It was my idea, not the Meathead's. 139 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:46,411 I'm sorry, Arch. Great minds think alike. 140 00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:47,812 If I had a mind like yours, 141 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:49,914 I'd take it out and I'd get it shot. 142 00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:52,417 [LAUGHING] 143 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,655 Will you stifle yourself and get dinner on the table? 144 00:05:57,657 --> 00:05:59,424 But you look so funny. 145 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:02,526 I said stifle yourself. Get dinner on the table. 146 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,527 Yeah. Right away. 147 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:04,595 GLORIA: Daddy! 148 00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,497 Do you have to talk to her like that? 149 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:07,565 Hey, hey! Hey there. 150 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:08,899 Watch your language, little girl. 151 00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:10,301 That ain't a "her" you're talking about. 152 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,569 That's your mother. 153 00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:14,138 All right. Do you have to talk to Ma like that? 154 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:18,509 When she's doing something stupid, yeah. 155 00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:20,611 What is stupid about trying to have a little fun 156 00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:21,645 at Christmas time? 157 00:06:22,781 --> 00:06:23,814 Scrooge! Ohh! 158 00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:25,450 Ma. 159 00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:27,852 Is there anything I can help you with? 160 00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,954 Ma? 161 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:31,322 What, Gloria? 162 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,357 Uh, your pot's full. 163 00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:34,558 Oh, yeah. Thank you. 164 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,362 Don't let Daddy bother you. He's just an old grouch. 165 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:40,999 Your father's a wonderful person, Gloria. 166 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,867 Don't you never forget that. 167 00:06:44,636 --> 00:06:46,437 Ma, you see what you just did? 168 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:48,039 You just filled that up. 169 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,608 Oh, yeah. 170 00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:55,513 Can you get me the cover to this pot, please, Gloria? 171 00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,815 Isn't that it? 172 00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:00,818 Oh, yeah. 173 00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,521 Ma, what's the matter? 174 00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,056 Oh, nothing's the matter. 175 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,692 I just forgot that the cover to the pot was there. 176 00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:11,095 You forget things sometimes, don't you? 177 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,130 Well, sure, Ma. 178 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,365 And I'm older than you, 179 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,835 so I got a lot more things to forget than you. 180 00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:21,372 Ma, something's wrong. I know you. 181 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:25,343 Now, why does everybody around here think they know me? 182 00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:29,980 Remember, Gloria, deep waters run very still. 183 00:07:32,984 --> 00:07:34,385 But, Ma-- 184 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,221 I've known me a lot longer than you have, 185 00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:39,924 so don't go around saying you know me. 186 00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:41,359 Okay. 187 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:44,429 Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. 188 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:47,098 I got a lump in my breast. 189 00:07:49,301 --> 00:07:50,568 What did you just say? 190 00:07:52,804 --> 00:07:54,705 I got a lump in-- 191 00:07:54,707 --> 00:07:57,241 Ohh, Ma! 192 00:07:57,243 --> 00:08:02,813 That's the first time I said it out loud. 193 00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:04,482 Oh, will you look at this? 194 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,518 The Meathead's eating the popcorn off the tree. 195 00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:12,156 Next thing, he'll be eating the leaves. 196 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,258 Why not, Arch? 197 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,327 That's how that nature guy Euell Gibbons 198 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:19,230 gets rid of his Christmas trees after the holidays. 199 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:21,432 He eats them. 200 00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,433 [DOORBELL RINGS] 201 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,801 Oh! I bet that's Irene. 202 00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:24,868 Hold it, Frank. Hold it. 203 00:08:24,870 --> 00:08:26,104 Let me answer the door, huh? 204 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,138 Let me go. 205 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,307 Let me have at least one more try 206 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,842 at having a little fun here, huh? 207 00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:36,914 Hi, Archie. Is Frank here? 208 00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:38,849 Come on, now, Irene. 209 00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,452 Don't make out like you don't notice nothing different. 210 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:44,422 Oh, yes, you do look different. What did you do, get a haircut? 211 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,290 Ohh! 212 00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:47,825 Come on in, Irene. 213 00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,728 Oh, oh, oh! Don't we look terrific? 214 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,062 Like it? 215 00:08:52,064 --> 00:08:56,467 ♪ Vieni qui Vieni qui, amore ♪ 216 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,768 Look at this guy. 217 00:08:57,770 --> 00:09:00,471 He slobbers his wife no matter where he finds her. 218 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:04,975 Because no matter where I find her, she turns me on. 219 00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:06,944 Kiss me, amore. 220 00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:11,415 Ah, Frank, you ain't got no class at all. 221 00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:15,253 That's the funniest-looking thing I ever saw. 222 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,855 What do you mean? I got one on too. 223 00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:21,526 Yeah, that's not so funny. 224 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,527 Good night, Arch. 225 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:25,062 Yeah, good night, good night. 226 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,063 Jeez. 227 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,064 Bye, Archie. 228 00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,499 Oh, cut it out, Irene. 229 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,700 [LAUGHING] 230 00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,735 Hey, don't poke me, huh, Frank? 231 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:34,238 Would you do that? Don't poke me. 232 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,506 [MIKE LAUGHING] 233 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,707 What are you laughing at? 234 00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,476 Oh, gee. Here. 235 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,778 Edith, get supper on the table, huh? 236 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,513 I'm going upstairs to wash. 237 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:46,617 Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, Archie. 238 00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:50,688 Gloria, put the dressing on the salad. 239 00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:52,690 Ma-- 240 00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:56,460 Ma, what exactly did the doctor say? 241 00:09:56,462 --> 00:10:00,030 Well, he said I gotta go back again tomorrow 242 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:02,400 to be examined by a surgeon. 243 00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,834 A surgeon! What does that mean? 244 00:10:03,836 --> 00:10:07,438 Oh, nothing, Gloria. Don't worry. 245 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,642 The doctor told me today that nine times out of ten, 246 00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:13,177 they find it's nothing. 247 00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,745 Just nothing. 248 00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:16,880 Ma, are you sure you're telling me everything? 249 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:17,881 Yeah. 250 00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:19,049 Did you know about this 251 00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:20,651 before you went to see the doctor today? 252 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,688 Yeah. That's the lucky part. 253 00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:26,724 Lucky? I found it myself. 254 00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:27,991 How? 255 00:10:27,993 --> 00:10:30,861 Well, I was reading an article in this magazine. 256 00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:34,365 It showed you how to examine yourself yourself. 257 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:39,036 And that's what I did. I examined myself myself. 258 00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:40,438 Here, let me help you with this-- 259 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,607 No, no. I'd rather keep busy. 260 00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:46,344 Ma, when are you going to tell Daddy about this? 261 00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,812 Never. And don't you tell him neither. 262 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,215 But, Ma, he's got to know! 263 00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,416 Oh, no, Gloria. 264 00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,553 Your father has enough to think about down at work. 265 00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:58,956 All that packing and loading and lifting. 266 00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:01,525 You got to promise me, Gloria, 267 00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,628 that you'll not say one word to him 268 00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:06,497 about me being examined by a surgeon, please. 269 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:10,000 And don't say nothing to Mike neither. Please. 270 00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,469 GLORIA: All right, Ma. 271 00:11:15,874 --> 00:11:16,741 Hey. 272 00:11:18,343 --> 00:11:19,977 Hey! 273 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,181 What's the matter with you? You look like you seen a ghost. 274 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:27,351 [SILLILY] Ah, well, uh, that just... 275 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,919 "ghost" to show you. 276 00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:29,987 [GROANS] 277 00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,289 Step right over here, madam. 278 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:36,727 What are you doing? Get away from me, will you? 279 00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:39,830 Better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo. 280 00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:42,500 You're getting a cavity in your brain. 281 00:12:03,588 --> 00:12:06,089 Gloria, I still don't see how we can keep it from Archie. 282 00:12:06,091 --> 00:12:08,326 Honey, we got to. I promised Ma. 283 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:11,128 Do you realize how mad he's gonna be if he finds out? 284 00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:12,463 He'll probably hit somebody. 285 00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:14,532 Probably me. 286 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,334 Mike, you gotta cover for us, 287 00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:17,435 because I gotta take Ma 288 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,036 to see the surgeon today at the hospital. 289 00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,170 Yeah, yeah, look at this. 290 00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:22,506 This makes me mad enough to want to hit somebody. 291 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,810 The government is spending $950 million on the Nimitz. 292 00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,244 What's the Nimitz? 293 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,912 It's a new aircraft carrier. 294 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,414 Nine hundred and fifty million! 295 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,749 That's over twice as much 296 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,951 as the country spends on cancer research in a whole year! 297 00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:35,953 On a carrier! I don't believe it! Look at this! 298 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,389 Michael, shh! Oh, yeah, sorry. 299 00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,423 A carrier? 300 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,192 Who's the carrier? 301 00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:45,663 Typhoid Meathead over here? 302 00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:46,897 What's all this about? 303 00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:50,300 Everybody up, 7:30, so early on a Saturday morning? 304 00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:52,035 Well, we're just talking. 305 00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:55,305 Oh, don't give me that. There's something going on. 306 00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:56,540 What I mean to say, 307 00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:59,943 there's something rotten in the state of Denver. 308 00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:01,945 Daddy, nothing's going on. 309 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:04,114 Well, how come that Meathead clams up 310 00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,249 every time I come close? 311 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,617 That ain't natural. 312 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,085 I was just thinking. 313 00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:10,087 That ain't natural neither. 314 00:13:11,656 --> 00:13:12,723 Where's the coffee, little girl? 315 00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:14,124 Oh, I'll get it for you. 316 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,093 Hurry up, hurry up. 317 00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:17,762 Daddy's up. He wants coffee. 318 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,963 How is Archie taking it? 319 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:21,799 Oh, he don't know. 320 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,634 He doesn't know? 321 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,235 GLORIA: No, he doesn't. 322 00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:28,439 But he's getting awfully suspicious. 323 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,973 I don't get it, Edith. 324 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,910 You didn't tell Archie, but you told Mike and Gloria? 325 00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,779 Well, I had to tell them 326 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,748 so they'd know what not to tell Archie. 327 00:13:40,251 --> 00:13:43,788 Maybe you ought to iron the other sleeve for a change. 328 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:46,056 Oh, yeah. 329 00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:50,828 Irene, I ain't talked about this to Gloria 330 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,663 because I didn't want to worry her, 331 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:57,167 but suppose I have to have one of them operations. 332 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,937 Oh, look, it's probably just a little cyst. 333 00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,539 That's all it usually is. 334 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:04,207 But what if this time it ain't? 335 00:14:04,209 --> 00:14:06,410 Then have the operation. 336 00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:08,446 It's a great way to save your life. 337 00:14:10,181 --> 00:14:11,949 There's one big drawback, though. 338 00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,417 What's that? 339 00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,852 You get well and you have to 340 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,621 keep cooking and ironing for Archie. 341 00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:20,190 Oh! Oh, Irene! 342 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,892 That's better now, you see. 343 00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,694 Dummy up! 344 00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:34,338 What is this, huh? 345 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:37,808 Every time I come near people, they shut up, 346 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:42,279 like I was the Spanish Inquisition or something. 347 00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,815 Just a little girl talk, Archie. 348 00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:46,817 What are you doing over here so early, Irene? 349 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,753 Did you have a fight with the Italian lover boy? 350 00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:54,758 No. Edith and I are holding a secret Tupperware party. 351 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,160 Yeah, well, secret's the word, 352 00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:59,864 because I think that something very suspicious 353 00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,699 is being cooked up around here. 354 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,133 Oh, there's not! 355 00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:06,436 I was just telling Edith about my sister getting pregnant. 356 00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,772 Who, the nun? 357 00:15:11,676 --> 00:15:13,477 Not her, my other sister. 358 00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:15,212 Really, Irene? 359 00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:18,148 Yeah, and after she swore she'd never have another baby 360 00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:20,784 after all the trouble she went through with the first one. 361 00:15:20,786 --> 00:15:24,722 And you know, Edith, she was in heavy labor. 362 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,824 Fifteen hours! Arggh. 363 00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:29,326 And then they thought it was going to be a breech-- 364 00:15:29,328 --> 00:15:32,162 Irene! Mixed company, Irene, huh! 365 00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:35,165 Mixed company, really! 366 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,768 Can't you be delicate? 367 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,171 Oh, thank you! 368 00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:45,108 Irene, can I ask you something? 369 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,176 Of course. 370 00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:48,311 Sit down. 371 00:15:51,349 --> 00:15:54,919 When Archie and me was first going together, 372 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:57,588 we used to go out dancing a lot. 373 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,756 And-- 374 00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:02,760 Oh, I ain't never told no one this before, 375 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:08,766 but while we was dancing, Archie used to sing in my ear. 376 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,634 Archie? 377 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:11,702 Yeah. 378 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:14,104 And his favorite song was: 379 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:15,873 ♪ You're the tops ♪ 380 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,474 ♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪ 381 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,342 ♪ You're the tops ♪ 382 00:16:19,344 --> 00:16:23,080 ♪ You're the smile On the Mona Lisa ♪ 383 00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:24,882 And all evening 384 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:28,852 I would go around trying to smile for Archie 385 00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,120 like the Mona Lisa. 386 00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:31,989 You know-- 387 00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,395 IRENE: Oh, Edith! 388 00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:43,767 What was it you wanted to ask me? 389 00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:50,975 I'm afraid if I have this operation, 390 00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:55,045 Archie won't think of me in the same way. 391 00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:58,281 Oh, Edith, stop scaring yourself. 392 00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,619 Archie loves you, and nothing's gonna change that. 393 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,955 But I'm gonna change a lot. 394 00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:07,858 Yes, and even if you have to have the operation, 395 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,893 it's still gonna be all right. 396 00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:11,361 Believe me. 397 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,930 You don't know. 398 00:17:14,398 --> 00:17:17,101 That's just the point, Edith. I do know. 399 00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:19,103 I know. 400 00:17:22,774 --> 00:17:25,475 You mean, you--? 401 00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:26,844 Six years ago. 402 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:29,613 And you see how Frank and I get along. 403 00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:32,016 It hasn't made one bit of difference in our marriage. 404 00:17:33,885 --> 00:17:36,286 Don't bother looking, Edith. 405 00:17:39,524 --> 00:17:41,591 I-I wasn't. 406 00:17:44,595 --> 00:17:47,430 You can't tell, and there's no use asking me. 407 00:17:47,432 --> 00:17:50,367 Oh, no, I wouldn't think of asking. 408 00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:53,704 I mean, I'd think of it, but I wouldn't ask. 409 00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,105 Oh, no! 410 00:17:56,274 --> 00:18:01,211 Oh, Irene! You made me feel so much better! 411 00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,446 Oh, darling! 412 00:18:05,349 --> 00:18:07,685 I don't believe it. Will you look at this here? 413 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,119 More Christmas cards! 414 00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:12,455 Why doesn't everybody just get together and yell, "Enough"? 415 00:18:12,457 --> 00:18:15,125 What is the matter with you today? 416 00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,459 Nothing. 417 00:18:16,461 --> 00:18:18,696 Jeez, you're even knocking Christmas now. 418 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,865 I'm not knocking Christmas, I'm knocking Christmas cards. 419 00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:25,235 Ah, you'd knock anything that wasn't food. 420 00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:28,806 Archie, it's a total waste of money and paper. 421 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,241 What are you talking about? 422 00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:32,576 It ain't the money, 423 00:18:32,578 --> 00:18:34,845 it's the beautiful thoughts behind them things. 424 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,780 Oh, yeah, you mean like this one. 425 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,916 "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 426 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,051 to all you folks we hold so dear." 427 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,687 All right, that's a beautiful thought. 428 00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:46,056 "So call us first when your pipes are burst. 429 00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,058 Paragon Plumbers." 430 00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:52,963 Get out of here, you're making that up. 431 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,331 Right there, Archie! Right there! 432 00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:56,200 Get away from me, will you? 433 00:19:00,805 --> 00:19:03,006 Hey, where's Edith? 434 00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:05,909 Uh, she went out with Gloria. 435 00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:09,046 I know that, but where? For how long? 436 00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:10,413 Well, what are you asking me for? 437 00:19:11,649 --> 00:19:13,383 What is the matter with you? 438 00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:14,985 I told you, nothing! 439 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,354 You wanna play checkers? 440 00:19:19,057 --> 00:19:21,759 Checkers? 441 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,627 No! 442 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,629 Then forget it! 443 00:19:32,303 --> 00:19:34,171 What is Edith up to anyway? 444 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,406 Well, I don't-- I don't know. 445 00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:39,476 Did she mention anything to you 446 00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:42,946 about a red-hackle fishing pole? 447 00:19:45,549 --> 00:19:46,750 What? 448 00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:50,287 Yeah, yeah, I can see it in your face. 449 00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,555 She certainly did. I know where she is. 450 00:19:52,557 --> 00:19:55,525 She's out with Gloria Christmas shopping for me, 451 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:57,694 for a red-hackle siphon pole. 452 00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,496 [CHUCKLES] 453 00:20:00,665 --> 00:20:02,232 What, did you think you was gonna 454 00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:04,835 pull the wolf over my eyes? 455 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,770 No, Archie, I didn't think that. 456 00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:08,071 Well, listen. 457 00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:10,340 Don't tip Edith off that I'm wise to it. 458 00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:12,042 That will spoil her surprise for me. 459 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,177 Don't worry, I won't. 460 00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:16,079 Yeah, a red-hackle fishing pole. 461 00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,281 [DOORBELL RINGS] 462 00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:20,050 Jeez, I hope she gets me one with a bell on it, 463 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,386 so I can fish and take a nap at the same time. 464 00:20:24,522 --> 00:20:27,490 Oh, hi, Irene. Hi. Is Edith in? 465 00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,793 Uh, no, she's not back yet. 466 00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:32,162 ARCHIE: Oh, come on, Irene. 467 00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,797 You don't have to signal over there. 468 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,033 I know the whole thing. The secret's out. 469 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,369 Oh. Did you hear from the hospital? Is she all right? 470 00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:42,372 Irene! Uh-- 471 00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:44,474 What? 472 00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:46,210 What? What do you mean? What hospital? 473 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,112 She's at Saint Ambrose's. You said you knew! 474 00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:51,414 She's out Christmas shopping with Gloria. 475 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,782 Saint Ambrose's Hosp--? 476 00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:53,984 Take me there, Meathead! 477 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:56,619 What, did she have an accident or something? 478 00:20:56,621 --> 00:20:58,956 No, no, it's just a test, Archie. Just a test. 479 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,824 Probably nothing serious, Arch. What is it? 480 00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,025 I'll tell you on the way. 481 00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:03,393 Never mind, tell me on the way. 482 00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:10,300 Will you let me get out the door? 483 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:15,005 ARCHIE: Go back and shut the door! 484 00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:32,389 Will you let me get in the door? 485 00:21:40,298 --> 00:21:42,332 Hi there, nurse. 486 00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:44,067 Oh, are you Mr. Bunker? 487 00:21:44,069 --> 00:21:45,235 Yeah, I'm Mr. Bunker. 488 00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,236 Oh, all right. 489 00:21:46,238 --> 00:21:48,405 Uh, she's sleeping there, huh? 490 00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:51,108 Yes. Well, she's just having a little nap. 491 00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:53,277 Uh, where's my daughter? 492 00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:55,645 Oh, she's down at the administrations office, 493 00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:56,713 filling out some forms. 494 00:21:56,715 --> 00:21:57,714 She'll be right back. 495 00:21:57,716 --> 00:21:58,715 Ah. 496 00:21:58,717 --> 00:22:01,218 Yeah, Arch, I'll go find Gloria. 497 00:22:01,220 --> 00:22:03,486 Yeah, go find Gloria. 498 00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:35,152 Oh, Archie! 499 00:22:35,154 --> 00:22:38,255 You didn't have to come down here. 500 00:22:38,257 --> 00:22:41,458 What do you mean I didn't have to come down here, Edie? 501 00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:44,661 Jeez, you're my wife, no matter what happens. 502 00:22:44,663 --> 00:22:46,629 Archie. 503 00:22:46,631 --> 00:22:51,134 That's the nicest thing you ever said to me. 504 00:22:51,136 --> 00:22:54,338 Yeah, well, you better lay down there and rest there, huh? 505 00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:57,841 I don't have to rest. I'll be home tomorrow morning. 506 00:22:59,577 --> 00:23:01,278 You're coming home tomorrow morning? 507 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,347 Yeah. 508 00:23:03,349 --> 00:23:05,882 Edith, they told me you had cancer. 509 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:08,418 I thought I did too, Archie, 510 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:10,587 but it was just a little cyst, 511 00:23:10,589 --> 00:23:14,358 and the surgeon got rid of it just like that. 512 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,725 Oh! 513 00:23:17,761 --> 00:23:20,263 So, what are you laying here for? 514 00:23:23,234 --> 00:23:27,704 Well, when they told me everything was all right, 515 00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:29,939 I got so excited, 516 00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:34,444 I jumped off the examining table. 517 00:23:34,446 --> 00:23:37,214 And I broke my ankle! 518 00:23:47,658 --> 00:23:49,259 You broke your ankle? 519 00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:51,395 Yeah. 520 00:23:51,397 --> 00:23:53,830 That's all that's the matter with you? Broke your ankle? 521 00:23:53,832 --> 00:23:55,632 Yeah. 522 00:23:55,634 --> 00:23:58,301 You know, they had me nearly scared half to death. 523 00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:00,870 I'm sorry, Archie. 524 00:24:00,872 --> 00:24:02,739 Oh, Jesus. 525 00:24:05,376 --> 00:24:07,444 Oh, Edith. 526 00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,646 Oh, Archie. 527 00:24:27,098 --> 00:24:30,267 ["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING] 528 00:24:30,269 --> 00:24:34,671 ANNOUNCER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience. 529 00:24:34,721 --> 00:24:39,271 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0